On my way to Florida for the weekend…my driver decided that he was having issues with traffic so I had to walk 3 blocks and halfway down an avenue to find him…with all of my crap. I recognize that he has driven me a few times and he is a mix between overly nice and kinda creepy…which is a fine line. This trip he provided me with granola bars, water and chargers for my phone. He asked me to make sure I put all of my phone numbers on my account because it’s important that we are “able to communicate”. He also let me know that his wife thinks he has a girlfriend because he messages on Facebook all the time and he doesn’t get women, but he gets me. We aren’t dating yeeeettt, butttt fingers-crossed.

I get through security and walk to my gate behind a pilot that has a bodybuilding.com sticker on his suitcase. Please note: he weighs maybe a buck-twenty soaking wet.

I grab a sandwich and find the only empty seat in the terminal…which it quickly becomes abundantly clear why the seat is available. Then the “OMG we’re going on a girls weekend brigade” starts in. “Don’t worry I have swimsuits…I have everything. This is going to be the best girls weekend ever and my mom is making everything. And Sarah is just SO SO proud of Chloe for having an “open mindset” and dating someone…from Astoria. They are going to have THE best girls weekend and go to all the “oh so cute places and my mom is making all of the food and not using butter and like we are going to have the best wine and OMG don’t worry about anything we are having Fireball and cider tonight…DON’T worry. I’m so proud of you for being so open minded. We can even go to a Target or a Wal-Mart…have you ever been to a Wal-Mart?!” 

Takeaways: I now know the entire menu that Sarah’s Mom is making for the weekend, that Chloe doesn’t like Halloween and it really “isn’t her thing” but she is borrowing that “black skirt” from Sarah for her costume and that Renee (the quiet one) doesn’t know what cider is.

My only solace came from the girl diagonal from me having a “where is Ashton moment”…unable to believe that that this is real life.

Tootles I’m off to sunny Florida!
🙋🙋
#blondiesperception #talesfromacarservice #talesfromtheDeltaterminal #nyc #laguardia #byeeeee

Yesterday is the first time I saw a married man summons a hooker to a high end hotel bar in Manhattan, call his wife while said hooker was in the bathroom to “check-in honey” and then leave with the lady of the night. P.S. It’s 330pm and you are disgusting. Also made for interesting client drinks.

Yesterday evening was the first and last time that a dressing room attendant yells at me and aggressively throws the clothes I was putting nicely on the “I don’t want it rack” back into my arms so that I can hand it to the girl…standing next to her.

And finally, this morning is the first time I found out that Carlos on the A train thinks that “If that b***h is looking for love, you ain’t finding that sh%* with him.” Noted.

#talesfromtheAtrain #talesfromamanhattanretailstore #talesfromahotelbar #blondiesperception #nyc #mta

  
My friend and I walking down the stairs to the subway station: “it smells so nice…like cinnamon or a new car.”
Turn the corner on the stairs and find a man taking the head of a razor to the bottom of his bare foot doing God knows what and sitting next to him is a homeless man eating strong smelling sushi.  
#no #nyc #mta #blondiesperception #razors #sushi #dazed

No I do not want to watch your dance troop (with rancid BO) perform in the taped off section of the crowded sidewalk.  No one does.

No sir, I do not want a tiny cloth slathered with the scented oil (read: chlorophorm) on it that you are trying to sell on the side of the same said sidewalk.

No, homeless man, I do not like it when you lunge towards me making sucking sounds.

#thatwasonlyeightblocksworthofcrazy #nyc #blondiesperception

Today has been interesting.  I woke up with the most horrific cough of all time (Thanks Mary) only to leave for the airport a few hours later.  I get to JFK and proceed to walk about 20 minutes to my gate (literally) only to find that there is a shuttle bus.  I’m not ready to talk about this just yet…

I then have to wait for about 3 hours as my flight continues to be delayed.  I field questions about my work and travel at the lunch bar from people sitting by me.  They are nice, but then I proceed to have 3 people ask me if I can hook them up with a job.  Um no.  Also, what is your name.

Once I land, I have to drive 2 1/2 hours down the definition of every back road you have ever driven on.  P.S. I hate driving down dark roads with no one for miles.

I then get to my hotel to find out that due to the festival I am working tomorrow, there is no parking.  I have to then drive to a nearby bank and park there.  Awesome.

Now things get good…I walk for about 20 minutes trying to find an open restaurant or place where everyone wasn’t tanked and talking very (VERY) loudly.  I end up back at the restaurant in my hotel.  I typically sit at the bar because I can be alone and eat and just enjoy myself, but quickly turned around when I saw the strobe lights in the worlds tiniest bar.  Um…no.  It’s a few minutes into my salad that I hear the DJ…DJ.  (Read: DJ) in said bar.  He begins to play “everyone’s favorite” the Vampire Shuffle (what is that?!) and congratulate Jamie and John on their one year anniversary.  I have avoided the bar until now, but given this new information, I now must go…before they close at 11.

UPDATE: I went to the bar…it was magical. Hotel wallpaper, a DJ and about 7,000 people crammed into a very small space. My hightlight includes the man with grills across the bar from me and the crazy woman he was with (wearing unitard) coming to my side of the bar and dancing up against me. It’s magical…I’m just waiting for a unicorn to show up.

#talesfromJFK #talesfromaDoubletree #blondiesperception #hoteldjs #taking requests #crushingit

So today’s post is a #tbt to one of my favorite posts…

July 2015 – The last few days back in NYC get their own #talesfromBlondiesPerception. I love finding humor in the crazy.

-Went for drinks at The Frying Pan (outdoor boat restaurant/bar) on Monday and found ourselves sharing the space…with a funeral. If you are going to have a funeral on a boat, rent the WHOLE thing out and don’t host a silent auction. Takeaways: John (dead guy) was a drunken sailor whose best days were in the 70’s. “You should have known John in the 70’s, oh my gosh!”

-Yesterday the train smelled like a mixture of pork rinds, BO and dandruff shampoo. That and the girl who held on to her boyfriend while also wrapping her hand around mine…it was everything.
-Today people are acting like animals. Plain and simple spacially unaware animals. Dont squeeze yourself in front of me onto the train. Don’t stand above me and ALSO read my book. And you sir, the Velcro on your shorts (why?) is cutting my leg.

#blondiesperception #talesfromtheAtrain #nyc #fryingpan

I had an especially awesome couple of days last week…I get on my good old trusty A train and look up and see a woman staring out the subway door windows like its a freaking depression medication commercial all while trying NOT to get woozie from the graphic CityMD ad.  My nausea only started changing directions as the guy above me literally interrupts my thoughts with his productive belch…while standing over me.
I switch trains at Columbus Circle and this train is jam (JAM) packed and I am standing in between a tone deaf woman “singing” about every third word of whatever song she is listening to and a woman whose apparent job it is to chew and click her gum like Rosie Perez…in any movie.  The woman next to the singing woman is picking stuff out of her teeth and flicking it to the ground (read: all of our shoes).  Can you Purell shoes?

Then I was riding in a cab home later that day and as we are cruising up the FDR, I notice my driver is jamming to his music.  Then the harmonica solo comes in (as any good song should have) and I realize it sounds quite crisp.  Yes, my cab driver is also playing the harmonica in the front of the cab.  #crushingit

Then the next morning that trains were especially horrible with the UN in session and the Pope coming to town.  There is no way to accurately portray just how crowded.  Of course there is this girl that not only refuses to hold on to the pole, but actually leans on it and uses her freaking butt cheeks to gather some balance all while squishing the hands of all those actually holding onto the pole with her back.  I aggressively flick my hand hoping she gets the drift.  Nope.  It’s about that time that a man who had been previously tucked nicely away in the corner decides it would be better to scoot to the middle and try to also squish his hand onto the pole. I stop caring and continue to read my book until I realize the pinching sensation I am feeling is coming from his OVERLY long fingernail pressing into my hand.  I am horrified and quickly move my hand down and make a face.  Back to my book…then not a minute later his sweaty hand is now resting against mine and two of his fingers are wrapping around mine.  No.  No sir.

You CANNOT make this stuff up.
#talesfromtheAtrain #talesfromtheDtrain #nyc #blondiesperception

So after much deliberation and at the suggestion of others, I am officially launching Blondie’s Perception!  Just my humorous look on this crazy life.  Follow me, tell your friends and hope you enjoy!

Blondie’s Perception:

It’s taken me a while to start this blog because I was waiting for the perfect beginning. The day that really just felt right…well, my friends…today is the day.

Last night I was able to attend a fancy schmancy industry dinner.  All in all it’s a great dinner and a fundraiser, so win/win.  After the dinner we were heading to the after party at a local bar.  I will admit, I looked nicer than I do on most days, but I’m pretty sure I just looked like, well…me.  My friend and I are walking down the sidewalk and this gentleman with his family comes running towards me yelling “I know you…I know you!”  (I do not know him).  I am assuming he is crazy OR thinks I am someone famous (easy mistake…I get it).  He grabs my hand and tries to pull me away from my friend and hug me.  All while yelling “I got her ring!  I got her ring!”  Please note:  he did not get my ring.  The takeaway from that one is that I have to practice being famous in order to be used to things like that.  Noted.

Then we go to the lovely after party.  I am talking with clients and industry friends and having an overall good time when this rando woman approaches me.  She uses no words, but just gestures at me to try to give me a piece of ice.  I didn’t realize what she was doing so the first piece of ice ended up down my shirt.  Awesome.  Then she held two pieces of ice in her hand and tried to…wait for it…put them in my mouth.  MY MOUTH.  First of all, no.  Second, use your words ma’am.  Finally, DO NOT put your filthy hands and probably drug laced ice near my face.  I became concerned when the ice melting on the bar ledge started looking cloudy, so immediately ran to the bathroom to hose myself down.  I will never know why…and that is the mystery I must live with forever now.

Well, last night was weird/awesome because you really cannot make that stuff up.

Happy Thursday.  And that my friends, is quite the way to welcome you to Blondie’s Perception!  #blondiesperception #crazy #nyc #talesfromaworkevent #donteatpoisonice