List of things to not do on the A train (especially when it’s negative degrees):
-be racist

-talk about not being racist

-list all of the races you like

-explain that you like them because of their cooking (and you even like Chinese food)

-talk about the KKK

-talk about the lessons God is telling you to tell us while holding up a magnum bottle of vodka

-sing while sitting on a chair in the train doorway

-talk about politics

-tell me who to vote for (not sure Bernie would appreciate your help)

-tell everyone how much you have missed riding the A train

-start a conversation about Colonel Sanders (not Bernie, the chicken guy)
#no #talesfromtheAtrain #blondiesperception

As if the subway stations couldn’t get any dirtier, some weirdo decides that it’s a good time to clip his nails and leave a pile (PILE) of nail pieces on the ground. I turn back around in disgust and he is gone. So riddle me this, you came down to the platform, walked to a highly trafficked area, faced the wall and clipped your nails and then moved to a less soiled area to stand and wait for the train. No.
I also am a fool and unsuspectingly got on the train car where everyone has their scarves wrapped around their noses. #nowiknow #toolate #notenoughlysolintheworld
Today especially I am also in love with the people that squeeze themselves onto a packed train…and look for an empty seat. You’re right, none of the other thousand people on here noticed one.  
Side note, I have seen two subway ads today with people that I know on them…weird.  
Also Nicki Minaj has a clothing line…for Tweens…at Kmart. One of her current shirts has the phrase “I Run Dis”. #futureofamerica #whydotweenslistentonickiminaj #ohcananda
Happy Wednesday!
#blondiesperception #talesfromtheAtrain #nyc #mta #nickiminaj  

The welcome back to the city after the holidays has been…REAL! Monday, I allowed myself a cab so that I could ease in slowly on the way to work. Tuesday did not disappoint as I get on a packed subway and see five (5) empty seats. I start to walk over when I hear the screaming and quickly turn right back around (sung to the tune of Tracy Chapman’s classic hit). As the crowds part, I realize there is a woman lying under all 5 of those coveted empty seats screaming at people to not look at her or touch her while she spits at them. She does this for the entire trip all while singing only the main chorus line of “I Was Born Free” in a drunken slur. #toosoon
Wednesday it took me about an hour and fifteen awesome minutes to get home because of an “earlier incident” (read: fake train work).
Yesterday on the way home from work a man was freaking out on a rant to “Horatio” a phantom person on the crowded train. His words: “I know you like to smoke weed. I saw you on 116th. I’m gonna get your mother f-Ing ass you mother f-ing prankster not a mother f-ing gangster. You don’t try that sh*t in midtown where the police are. Let’s take this outside above 116th and really take care of this thing. If you don’t hit on me or spit on me shut your mouth. Don’t you worry I got a 38 and a 38 don’t jam. Come uptown and let’s take care of things.” I was more than happy to get off the train and 125th and wait that one out. No.
This morning takes the cake though! I get on the train and am immediately granted a lovely woodwind performance by a guy flailing to gain balance on the rushing train. Sit down, sir. Then a guy gets on the train covered in paint AND bruises. He proceeds to ask everyone on the train by getting in their face if they too are getting off at Norstrand in Brooklyn like he is. He then sits down next to me (awesome), gets mad because he can’t find his tissue and proceeds to blow his nose into his scarf and then apologize to everyone. Then he starts singing only the profane words of the song he is listening to in his slightly drunk and French accent. Stomping his feet and flailing his arms. Nope. All done with the crazy. #calgontakemeaway #talesfromtheAtrain #blondiesperception

And we’re back…
This morning I took a cab to meet friends for brunch and as I started my journey, my cab driver almost killed an entire family of four…on my block because he wasn’t paying attention. (The Dad ninja kicked our car). Then I’m not sure if it was nerves or what, but he proceeded to pass gas the entire ride.  
Later on I had to run to my office to grab my computer. My office is in between the Rockefeller tree and Times Square…so hell. As I was walking I hear some British tourist inform his friend that they needed to “keep walking because I’m pretty sure the McDonald’s that the Kardashians went to is just round the corner”. (Now I must move).
Then I had to walk back to through hell (Times Square) to meet my friends when I saw three (3) people, individually and on different streets…playing the tuba. Why?
Now I’m on my ride home where I had to give my cab driver my address for his GPS since he didn’t know how to get to the West Side Highway. Umm…you had one job.
#blondiesperception #talesfromNYC #thankgodileaveforlosangelestomorrow #youhadonejob

On my way to Florida for the weekend…my driver decided that he was having issues with traffic so I had to walk 3 blocks and halfway down an avenue to find him…with all of my crap. I recognize that he has driven me a few times and he is a mix between overly nice and kinda creepy…which is a fine line. This trip he provided me with granola bars, water and chargers for my phone. He asked me to make sure I put all of my phone numbers on my account because it’s important that we are “able to communicate”. He also let me know that his wife thinks he has a girlfriend because he messages on Facebook all the time and he doesn’t get women, but he gets me. We aren’t dating yeeeettt, butttt fingers-crossed.

I get through security and walk to my gate behind a pilot that has a bodybuilding.com sticker on his suitcase. Please note: he weighs maybe a buck-twenty soaking wet.

I grab a sandwich and find the only empty seat in the terminal…which it quickly becomes abundantly clear why the seat is available. Then the “OMG we’re going on a girls weekend brigade” starts in. “Don’t worry I have swimsuits…I have everything. This is going to be the best girls weekend ever and my mom is making everything. And Sarah is just SO SO proud of Chloe for having an “open mindset” and dating someone…from Astoria. They are going to have THE best girls weekend and go to all the “oh so cute places and my mom is making all of the food and not using butter and like we are going to have the best wine and OMG don’t worry about anything we are having Fireball and cider tonight…DON’T worry. I’m so proud of you for being so open minded. We can even go to a Target or a Wal-Mart…have you ever been to a Wal-Mart?!” 

Takeaways: I now know the entire menu that Sarah’s Mom is making for the weekend, that Chloe doesn’t like Halloween and it really “isn’t her thing” but she is borrowing that “black skirt” from Sarah for her costume and that Renee (the quiet one) doesn’t know what cider is.

My only solace came from the girl diagonal from me having a “where is Ashton moment”…unable to believe that that this is real life.

Tootles I’m off to sunny Florida!
🙋🙋
#blondiesperception #talesfromacarservice #talesfromtheDeltaterminal #nyc #laguardia #byeeeee

Yesterday is the first time I saw a married man summons a hooker to a high end hotel bar in Manhattan, call his wife while said hooker was in the bathroom to “check-in honey” and then leave with the lady of the night. P.S. It’s 330pm and you are disgusting. Also made for interesting client drinks.

Yesterday evening was the first and last time that a dressing room attendant yells at me and aggressively throws the clothes I was putting nicely on the “I don’t want it rack” back into my arms so that I can hand it to the girl…standing next to her.

And finally, this morning is the first time I found out that Carlos on the A train thinks that “If that b***h is looking for love, you ain’t finding that sh%* with him.” Noted.

#talesfromtheAtrain #talesfromamanhattanretailstore #talesfromahotelbar #blondiesperception #nyc #mta

  
My friend and I walking down the stairs to the subway station: “it smells so nice…like cinnamon or a new car.”
Turn the corner on the stairs and find a man taking the head of a razor to the bottom of his bare foot doing God knows what and sitting next to him is a homeless man eating strong smelling sushi.  
#no #nyc #mta #blondiesperception #razors #sushi #dazed

No I do not want to watch your dance troop (with rancid BO) perform in the taped off section of the crowded sidewalk.  No one does.

No sir, I do not want a tiny cloth slathered with the scented oil (read: chlorophorm) on it that you are trying to sell on the side of the same said sidewalk.

No, homeless man, I do not like it when you lunge towards me making sucking sounds.

#thatwasonlyeightblocksworthofcrazy #nyc #blondiesperception

Today has been interesting.  I woke up with the most horrific cough of all time (Thanks Mary) only to leave for the airport a few hours later.  I get to JFK and proceed to walk about 20 minutes to my gate (literally) only to find that there is a shuttle bus.  I’m not ready to talk about this just yet…

I then have to wait for about 3 hours as my flight continues to be delayed.  I field questions about my work and travel at the lunch bar from people sitting by me.  They are nice, but then I proceed to have 3 people ask me if I can hook them up with a job.  Um no.  Also, what is your name.

Once I land, I have to drive 2 1/2 hours down the definition of every back road you have ever driven on.  P.S. I hate driving down dark roads with no one for miles.

I then get to my hotel to find out that due to the festival I am working tomorrow, there is no parking.  I have to then drive to a nearby bank and park there.  Awesome.

Now things get good…I walk for about 20 minutes trying to find an open restaurant or place where everyone wasn’t tanked and talking very (VERY) loudly.  I end up back at the restaurant in my hotel.  I typically sit at the bar because I can be alone and eat and just enjoy myself, but quickly turned around when I saw the strobe lights in the worlds tiniest bar.  Um…no.  It’s a few minutes into my salad that I hear the DJ…DJ.  (Read: DJ) in said bar.  He begins to play “everyone’s favorite” the Vampire Shuffle (what is that?!) and congratulate Jamie and John on their one year anniversary.  I have avoided the bar until now, but given this new information, I now must go…before they close at 11.

UPDATE: I went to the bar…it was magical. Hotel wallpaper, a DJ and about 7,000 people crammed into a very small space. My hightlight includes the man with grills across the bar from me and the crazy woman he was with (wearing unitard) coming to my side of the bar and dancing up against me. It’s magical…I’m just waiting for a unicorn to show up.

#talesfromJFK #talesfromaDoubletree #blondiesperception #hoteldjs #taking requests #crushingit

So today’s post is a #tbt to one of my favorite posts…

July 2015 – The last few days back in NYC get their own #talesfromBlondiesPerception. I love finding humor in the crazy.

-Went for drinks at The Frying Pan (outdoor boat restaurant/bar) on Monday and found ourselves sharing the space…with a funeral. If you are going to have a funeral on a boat, rent the WHOLE thing out and don’t host a silent auction. Takeaways: John (dead guy) was a drunken sailor whose best days were in the 70’s. “You should have known John in the 70’s, oh my gosh!”

-Yesterday the train smelled like a mixture of pork rinds, BO and dandruff shampoo. That and the girl who held on to her boyfriend while also wrapping her hand around mine…it was everything.
-Today people are acting like animals. Plain and simple spacially unaware animals. Dont squeeze yourself in front of me onto the train. Don’t stand above me and ALSO read my book. And you sir, the Velcro on your shorts (why?) is cutting my leg.

#blondiesperception #talesfromtheAtrain #nyc #fryingpan